What I do know after having the immune system disease sarcoidosis and then vertigo, tinnitus and TMJ is that when you get used to dealing with ‘stress’ whether it’s emotional, or work pressure, physical stress or whatever, you acclimatise to it.
You have to get them over their ex which is why they don’t get over them and why you can’t enjoy your own relationship because you’re living in someone’s shadow. They hate feeling that they’ve made a mistake or failed.
Emotionally unavailable people take the possibility of mistakes and failure very much to heart, either blaming themselves for everything or blaming the other party.
If you’ve ever found yourself putting up with stuff in your relationships that on later reflection have you wondering if you were on crack, or even have you feeling like you practically have to learn a new (healthy) language post breakup, it’s because you normalised dodgy behaviour.
What you might not have realised is that you’ve also normalised treading water in stress instead of resolving it.
I’ve had a lot of comments and emails since wondering about what the hell is going on in the mind of a Transitional, so here are the key things: Their ex. Whether it’s them, the things that they’re frustrated or in denial about from the breakup, or the feelings they’re struggling with, their thoughts are either actively preoccupied with their ex or they’re putting in overtime to push them out of their thoughts.
What you can be sure of is that their mind is not anywhere near as focused on the relationship job at hand because they’re distracted by the emotional and/or legal ties. Look, I get it, it’s hard after a breakup or a loss through death because you’re consumed with thoughts about them and recognise that you need to get back out there. People who don’t manage their own ‘impacts’ from relationship are far more comfortable finding a Buffer (yes that would be you) to lessen the impact of the previous relationship during this transition.
You know that you’re too acclimatised to stress when you you find it hard to identify what’s bothering you or you reel off them off like your grocery shopping list. Because our bodies don’t differentiate, it’s important not to let it pile up, because when you hit capacity, you will find that suddenly, even though you thought you just had a problem in your relationship, now you’re struggling to concentrate at work, have become sensitive to certain foods, or are feeling physical symptoms of stress.
If you’re feeling ‘stress’ or doubts, anxiety, or whatever you want to call it, and you can’t nail the source of it and basically keep going round and round in circles, you know that you’re too acclimatised to not listening to yourself. ”, aside from always looking at whether it’s internal or external fear talking, what you immediately know is that if you can’t figure out which one, it’s because you need to address both.
That said, they’re with you for the wrong purpose – distracting them from or even helping them completely avoid their feelings or any fallout from the previous relationship. You help numb the pain but what you don’t realise is that it’s not gone. At least not the conscious sort that will allow them to contemplate their actions and connect the dots of their behaviour with what results. Commitment avoidance via maintaining emotional and/or legal ties elsewhere.
They seem to think other people like you are there to inadvertently sort out their problems and pain. They could take the time to get over their ex, but no, they think “Hmmm, if someone is that fabulous, I’ll spontaneously combust into being available and over them.” What they don’t realise is that this passes the buck to you. It’s like there’s cotton wool or tumbleweeds in there. They cannot commit and they don’t truly want to commit in the truest sense of the word and if push comes to shove, they always have the emotional and/or legal ties to distance and protect them.
Or even worse, having doubts that you can put your finger on but you keep ignoring or attributing to something else.