He’s just a captivating guy I’ve dated with absolutely zero promises, and good for him. In my opinion, it is actually not cool or very nice to ignore people you are on good terms with and even less nice if they’re an object of your affections. As Tim and I stood out front messing with our bicycles, I did what I probably shouldn’t have; I glanced back in the restaurant window to see if I was being seen. -Mary Oliver, It is an appreciation of beauty, life and pleasure that takes my breath away. Maybe he’s living his life honestly but trying not to overthink. If I had to choose right now, for all time, whether I wanted a string of enchanting dream dates without attachment, or a stable, serious, long-term, monogamous relationship, I’d chose the former, hands down! This time, I saw him just as I was rubbing handwash all over my hands with a grossed-out face after leaving the Porta Potty. Like the best dreams, it stands alone, carrying no obligation to the future and needing no memory of the past.
This was a thrilling, magical broadening of perspective on my region and myself.
As I observed him in his element, I also began to learn what a physical and mental and dance it is to fly a vintage small craft. For me, learning something new and getting out of my own element is my comfort zone. He decided he wanted to try landing on grass, and warned that it could feel bumpy but would be fine. Does it take a lovely man to make me feel so alive? Why can’t I learn to inspire others as much or more than Adonis had inspired me?
By that time, I was pretty convinced that I am a captivating princess witch who can fly, and who should always and forever be treated, toasted and entertained with no less passion, skill and beauty than I had been that night. Today, it’s the process of planning vacations that sets me off (I know, I’m pretty lucky if this is the type of thing that gets me upset). Tim has his two middle-school aged cousins in town this week, and life is good.
Any argument or thought to the contrary was pure delusion! They are so cute together, cracking each other up all day, developing inside jokes and having fun.
And that is what I call complicated, messy, sexy happiness. Driving in his car to the small airport, we conversed about passionate living, death, and friendship. It was so fun to feel the weight of it and heave with my weight against it to get it rolling.
I love the idea of experiencing a reversal of night and day. We did a couple selfies together with the plane under the big sky.
I made sure I was on my game, beauty-wise, as I usually try to do these days. I was looking cute in a woodsy-hippie kind of way (lace-up sandals and and a thrift store bohemian dress). He is very tall, with broad shoulders and sinewy limbs. His head was back, and he was half-grinning and looking at me as if he’d never seen me before in his life. The rest of the scene faded out and I was visually, olfactorily and physically fixated on his undomesticated presence and let him pull me close. But we danced, listened to music and partied with friends in the woods.
You never know who you’ll see out and about in my city and I also just enjoy myself better if I feel proud of my appearance. And yet, it’s kind of fair; he couldn’t have been sure I wouldn’t be weird, wouldn’t do something uncouth or dramatic. Chocolate chip eyes, olive complexion, a mess of dark, long wild hair all over the place. I always get a little flustered when I see him and do weird stuff like spilling beer all over him, having awkward first dates with other men while sitting next to The Centaur the whole time, tripping over my feet like an idiot or accidentally sending him texts about himself meant for my besties. Later, I went up to the front of the crowd to enjoy the last band. He said something to me along the lines of “My friend wanted to know who I was flirting with and I was like ‘Oh, that’s just Mama Bear’ and she was like, ‘THAT’S Mama Bear? I had such a good time, and I will never forget the night, even long after the Wild Animal is gone, which he surely will be some day.
And, in the back of my mind I did consider he might grace the place with his presence. As Tim and I were finishing our trendy plates, in saunters Adonis with a beautiful lady who seemed conspicuously dressed in the previous night’s date-dress. Now, that may sound like a nightmare, since I’ve been involved with Adonis recently, but actually, it’s ok. Maybe it was even unfair for me to pop into ‘his’ cafe on his street on a Saturday morning? Not to stop and talk and get things tangled up in introductions or conversations–ick, nobody needs quite that level of complication. Maybe he’s found his strength, and is playing to it. It almost seems like there is something about the Centaur that’s meant to get me SO flustered that I eventually give up, stop overthinking, and stop trying to control my reality. He popped up beside me and we had fun like we’d never had before. How totally just right for my newly single Mama Bear self!